It’s a Cracker!

Thursday, 25th Dec 2008

dscf4145We’ve had many a bum deal at Bum Bargains (you know where I’m talking about). We’ve had “Puracell” batteries that leaked acid under the Christmas tree, a festive hat that said “MERRY CHISTMAS” (Rs are in short supply when there’s an R in the month) and a friend of ours even had a fish die after being fed on (supposedly) brand named fish food.

Having vowed never to darken their door again, Jayne sheepishly admitted she had already become the proud owner of a box of classy looking black and white, velvet finish Christmas Crackers from that very store!!

We nervously ate our Christmas dinner, knowing that the inevitable was about to happen. Yes – before the Chirstmas pud could be served we would have to go through the annual ritual of pulling the Christmas Cracker. Only this year there was the added anticipation of wondering if we would manage to live though the ordeal!

The crackers certainly looked good for £3.99. But that didn’t stop Jayne and I testing the first one wearing an oven glove each and face masks before risking them on the rest of the family.

As pulls go it was fairly uneventful. There was the obligatory “crack” – and of course Jayne won (Jayne always wins :) )

Out popped at ball point pen! The remaining five crackers were (somewhat reluctantly) pulled and Jayne’s booty mounted: Headphones, a torch (that worked!), a set of make-up brushes and a corkscrew.

Not a flimsy plastic car/whistle/spinning top in sight! There were paper hats, of course, and the usual silly joke. But even these were not as bad as usual. In fact – amongst them was one of the best I’ve ever seen in a cracker (maybe the Shiraz helped).

It went:
“What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?”
Answer: “An egg”

Mwwwwwaaaaahahahah!

Pan Haggerty, Wet Nelly, Curiosity Cola

Saturday, 2nd Aug 2008

…and Strawberry Fields Forever

Yes, my lovely wife sure knows how to make an ageing would-be (some would say “has-been”) rock star happy.

Speke Hall by Mike Sandells

Seriously. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday treat (at least not one I could write about here ;) ).

My lady and I drove to Read the rest of this entry »

Kylie darling: please sack your sound engineer

Sunday, 13th Jul 2008

I’m not too sure that my lovely wife Jayne would approve but I must admit that under normal circumstances I would quite happily fantasise over the prospect of sharing a sauna with her and Kylie.

Last night was no kinky threesome however. There were at least 18,998 other people crammed in there with us and the “sauna” in question was the much overrated Manchester Evening News Arena.

Sadly, the Kylie X 2008 concert was completely ruined by the venue’s oppressive heat and diabolical sound quality.

Don’t get me wrong, what her lungs produced was pure Kylie – and what they were wrapped in was, of course, as delightful as ever. But oh dear… her much heralded new band sounded like a recently-formed group of teenage wannabes bent on blowing out the windows at their local village hall!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not averse to loud music per se, but what they delivered last night was a distorted mess that completely drowned out the voice of our diminutive, delectable iconic Aussie heartthrob.

Kylie darling: please sack your sound engineer. We really had no way of telling how good your band was through all the distortion

And my message to the MEN Arena: (definitely NO darling of mine): Sort out your acoustics …and your air-conditioning …and your seating …and your car parking and…

Better still, knock the whole place down and build a proper arena geared more to customer experience than money-grabbing sardine-packing.  And as far as the over-steep upper tiers are concerned, the only customers who might actually enjoy the experience of scaling these would be seasoned rock climbers!

The MEN should take a lead from Liverpool’s excellent new Echo Arena and Glasgow’s equally brilliant SECC.

Biggest doesn’t necessarily mean Best!

EDIT: check out the comments…

The Sexagenarian Club

Saturday, 12th Jul 2008

Everybody seems to be sixty these days!

Hah! ten years ago, I recall saying the same thing about people being fifty. That’s the way it goes, I suppose. You buy a Volkswagen and everybody seems to be driving one!

Anyway, my mate Patrick earned his bus pass and B&Q discount card this weekend. He’d had fifty guests at his fiftieth and was going to attempt to gather sixty for this do, then seventy in ten years time, and so on. Until, that is, I reminded him of the principles of the inverse square law! :)

All in all, we had a great day at the Faleur’s. Great company. Lovely food. and the weather even gave us a break just long enough to enjoy the magnificent buffet lunch in the garden.

Photoshop came to the rescue as far as his birthday card was concerned (out with last week’s sexagenarian and in with this week’s) and for his birthday present we went to Zimmers R Us. No-one, but no-one should ever expect a “normal” birthday present from the Birchalls!

Thanks for a great day Patrick & Liz. We’re off now to spend the evening with a forty year old who’s very close to my heart – name of Kylie ;)

PS: Did I mention that Patrick is a pretty mean photographer? Check out his website

We are being watched!

Sunday, 6th Jul 2008

Oooooh! Spooooky!!

Bringing up the LL15 1BE location on Multi Map reveals that we are being watched!

The aerial image (courtesy of Microsoft Earth) shows the car park and roundabout top right, with Market Street running down to centre bottom.

Our studio is marked with the red arrow – and there, centre left, just next door to the Ambulance Station in School Lane, is a chisel-featured bloke keeping a beady eye on us!

He’s a Sexagenarian, you know!

Thursday, 26th Jun 2008

My mate Mike is sixty today! ~~ “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE”!

As another poor photographer, he’ll understand that I couldn’t afford to buy him a card. In any case, they simply don’t do one that says: “Congratulations – you can now get an extra 10% at B&Q” !!

I knew I had a shot of him taken at my daughter’s wedding last year – so it was into Photoshop’s Extract filter to remove all evidence of the camera and tripod he was operating and of course, the background.

My own B&Q discount card (yes yes, I’m ancient too!) was scanned and added to the picture. Luckily, only a little bit of pixel pushing was required to make it look like he was actually gripping the card, and little drop-shadow under the hand for added realism.

Rather than drive to our nearest B&Q, a Google Image Search turned up a suitable new background.  Originally used to promote a new B&Q store, the shot was too sharp.   So I duplicated the layer and applied a decent amount of  Gaussian blur.  Then a layer mask was added and filled with a black to white gradient to blend the sharp image with the blurred version to realistically impart the shallow depth of focus you would expect in this type of scene.  Little touches like this all help to avoid the “cardboard cut-out” effect when replacing a background.

The “eye candy” picture is a publicity shot of American actress Molly Simm sitting in a rusty old wheelbarrow. Someone had made this into a mock B&Q advert, which has been kicking around the Internet for the past year or so.

A little added wording and “voila” – the card was complete. All in less than an hour.

Hmmm…. Come to think of it: That was an hour of “work” time, so all in all, it turned out to be quite an expensive Birthday card!

I hope the old fart appreciates it! :)

Railway Children!

Tuesday, 24th Jun 2008

As a former press photographer I am quite used to seeing pictures designed to shock, to invoke thought, to stir up the emotions. Heck! I used to take them!

As a portrait photographer, however, I find myself judging pictures on their artistic merit, on their technical competence, and on whether or not they have “worked” as a portrait.  I ask myself: if I were the parent of a child in the portrait – would I be proud to hang it on the wall?

These two portraits were on the website of an American family portrait photographer. Now I should point out that prior to seeing these two images, I was pretty impressed with the standard of this person’s portrait photography. These, however, left me feeling very uncomfortable indeed. Maybe it’s a Feng Shui thing? I don’t know. I just know I don’t like them. Ironic really, when you consider that as a press photographer ANY picture that made you look twice, or that made you think about the subject, would have been adjudged a roaring success.

These shots give me the same feeling one gets when standing close to the edge of a very steep drop. Furthermore, do they give out the message to any other kids who might view them – especially if they were on the wall of a family friend – that it is okay to go and play down on the railway tracks?

So what do you reckon? Am I getting carried away? What do YOU think? Use the Comments link at the bottom of the page – That’s what it’s there for!

The Blog’s Dollocks

Wednesday, 18th Jun 2008

…has officially been awarded my “Best Blog Title” award 2008!

The Blog’s Dollocks is well worth a visit too, as it’s all about a not-too-bad football team!

 

Keeping in Touch

Saturday, 14th Jun 2008

Dring, dring…

“Hi Dad it’s Isaac…”

It’s nice, isn’t it, that they make the time to keep in touch,  Especially when they are all the way upstairs in the attic bedroom!

“I’ve sold the Iceman on eBay. Can you pop it in the post for me?”

Hmm. Why do I get the feeling this bad back is being milked for all it’s worth.

“No Dad… I told them it would be posted out today.”

In fairness, he has been bed ridden for the best part of three days. So I fell for it – despite the fact the chiropractor said he really should get up and moving around to supple up the muscles prior to his appointment on Monday.

For the benefit of the uninitiated, the Iceman is a six stringed axe-like instrument of doom (well, heavy metal at least), so “popping it into the post” was going to be more than just a quick lick-and-stick. One hour, yards of bubble-wrap, three disassembled then reconstructed cardboard boxes, and a disobedient stanley knife later and the Ibanez Iceman was on its way to its new owner. And I – having missed my footing on the post office steps – was limping my way back down Market Street with a dodgy back!

I wonder if I could get away with retiring to my bed to take advantage of room service and get everyone running around for me?

Yea right!

I stopped to think…

Sunday, 8th Jun 2008

Now I’d better think about starting again!

Don’t Like It!

Monday, 19th May 2008

Don’t you just love embarrassing your children!

I mean, it’s payback time for all the times they embarrassed you as they were growing up. 

Jordan has long since refused to go shopping with us, for fear we might do a ‘Lou and Andy’.  How soon they forget the times they used to run around the supermarket swopping price labels on the goods and dropping packets of condoms in elderly ladies’ shopping trolleys.

So it seemed appropriate that on Jordan’s18th birthday we create a suitable card – with his parents taking the role of the Little Britain characters.

And just to prove we don’t really  look like Lou and Andy, here’s a shot of us enjoying pre dinner birthday drinks at The Wynnstay.

Oh dear!  On second thoughts, I’d better change that to:  at least Jayne doesn’t really look like one of the Little Britain crew.

“…I don’t like it!”

It’s a Boy!

Saturday, 17th May 2008

…but then we knew that already.  Why do they do that these days?  I mean – what was wrong with waiting until the baby was born before knowing whether it was a bloke or a blokette? 

Thomas WilliamThey used to wrap the baby in a towel and hand it to the mother with a nice cup of tea and a cheery: “congratulations Mrs Screamer – it’s a…”  Now they just say “Right, you’re done.  Get yourself off home so we can clear up this mess”.   I swear they only encourage fathers to be present at the birth so they can have the car ticking over outside the delivery suite ready to whisk mother and newborn away in double quick time!

That’s just it, I guess: they can save valuable time (and tea) by finding out the sex before hand.  It seems they can employ less qualified staff in the delivery room.  And at midwiffery collage, they can skip the whole year where they teach them how to tell the difference!

Anywayz – Thomas William has come into the world.  All eight pounds eleven ounces of him.  Born, in case you’re wondering, to Jane Elizabeth Birchall my daughter  - not Jayne Elizabeth Birchall my wife (complicated innit!).  Yesterday I became a grand-parent.Grandfather and grandson

Ten tiny fingers and a similar number of tiny toes.  He looks just like Steve, but then nobody’s perfect.  

I jest. Steve is an absolute star.  Top man.  A father can only hope his daughters end up with decent blokes and I’ve been blessed twice.

Hmmm. Now that we’re back home from our visit to meet young Tom, I’m trying to work out why Jayne-with-a-’Y’ has got that old familiar glint in her eye!

.

Customer Service – Spicer Hallfield style

Wednesday, 30th Apr 2008

Now, I’m pretty good at navigating websites and second-guessing the nuances of wizz kid designers.  So whilst I won’t go as far as to say the new Spicer Hallfield website actually got me beat, time is money, and after fifteen minutes of trying to locate the products I wanted, I caved in and picked up the phone.

    Me: Hello, I’d like to place an order please.
    SH: I’m sorry we can’t take your order over the phone.

After explaining I couldn’t locate the items on their new web site, she put me through to someone called Mark who kindly talked me through the intricacies of the new portal.  Apparently it is easier to enter a keyword, such as “Classic” to narrow down the number of items you have to scroll through!  Once you’ve found the album you require, however, there is no link to buy spare pages for that album.  You have to start a completely new search, again guessing what the best keyword might be this time!

OK, so we’re getting there.  Wait…!  It states on the website that Read the rest of this entry »

Studio Facelift – Day 4

Thursday, 24th Apr 2008

We’ve got wall-to-wall floors you know!

…and sore knees!

Actually, the laminate flooring went down quite well.  It took all afternoon, mind you.  And by afternoon, I don’t mean a couple of hours after a long lunch, then a tea break, then another hour before going home.  No,  I mean the whole six-hour afternoon – and a chunk of the evening!

It’s not that it was a large area. Far from it.  It’s just that our shop/reception is in a part of the building that was added in 1933 on a piece of triangular land between this property and next door, so there are no right angles in the whole room.  They got away with all sorts in those days.  Now, if you so much as utter the phrase  “uPVC Windows” the listed building police will come and take you away.

No Skirting boards yet.  That’s a job for the morning – along with clearing all the junk out of the camera room for a fashion shoot in the afternoon.  Then it’s business as usual for a few days before starting on the camera room itself.

The Whole Story

Studio Facelift – Day 3

Wednesday, 23rd Apr 2008

 
There can be few things in life quite so exciting as watching paint dry.

There’s the anticipation as you open the can. Well… plastic tub actually. Why did they do that?  What was wrong with the good old fashioned tin can?  You knew where you were with a paint tin.  You stuck your screwdriver under the rim…  a quick flick of the wrist…  and off popped the lid! 

Now we have to reverse engineer the designer’s miracle new fastening.  We have to get into the mind of the maniac who decided this lip would clip into that groove and hold the lid on so tight your finger nails would give up long before paint ever saw the light of day.

There is a slot that is way too big for a humble screwdriver – yet far too small for a handyman’s thumb.  And has this one got a plastic tab to tear off first?  Or not?  Give us a bloody clue!  Better still – give us a paint tin!

Then there’s the dismay as the lid finally pops off to reveal a blotchy globby gel-like substance which doesn’t even come close to resembling the colour chart.  Tell me:  If they call it non-drip, why has it got a half-inch-deep runny stagnant pond sloshing about on top of it?

The label says “Do Not Stir” but it doesn’t tell you what to do with the pond!

Now the real fun starts.   When two people are involved in the decision making process, the first paint stroke hitting the wall will usually coincide with the brown stuff hitting the fan.

“It’s too dark”. “No it’s not”. “I told you we should have gone for magnolia”.  Boring old fart”.  “Well I wanted to wallpaper”. “But woodchip went out with the 20th century”. “It is – it’s much too dark”.  “It’ll dry lighter”.

It didn’t.  Dry lighter, that is.  But I have to admit, it was exciting watching it happen.

 

 

The Whole Story

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »